Like most parents and caregivers, I feel I am doing the best I can to be a good parent. Also like most of us, I realize I am falling short of this standard often. It is easy to get trapped in “parent guilt” when I read about all of the things I am NOT doing correctly.

For divorced parents, I believe this guilt is “leveled up” as my young clients might say. As a Child and Adolescent therapist, I work with families who are navigating parenting post divorce. These caregivers have the added challenge of parenting while navigating conflict. Imagine working on a long term project with a co-worker whom you did not like or, possibly, have excessive conflict with. That work environment would be toxic! You may even be motivated to look for a new job.

For caregivers who are in this type of co-parenting relationship, there are some ways to decrease the drama and manage high stress interactions.

1. Identify the goals you are aligned on. Most parents will agree that the health and well being of the shared child is the primary goal. The more goals you can align on, the more consistent and predictable these things can be between homes. It is not necessary that both homes have the same schedule or rules. It is helpful if parents can identify the “big things” and align on them.
2. Find an agreed upon system to communicate. For some caregivers, Family Wizard, or a similar shared app can be an effective way to communicate. Some parents use a shared, online calendar to communicate schedules and propose changes. Children should never be used to communicate with the other parent and these tools can help keep children out of the discussion.
3. Decrease conflict with transitions. Some parents may find an exchange at school or neutral place is less stressful than an exchange at a parent’s home.
4. Find ways to “decrease the drama” in communication. By using the New Ways for Families BIFF model of email communication, parents can keep interactions Brieff, Informative, Friendly, and firm. BIFF model guidance.
5. Have a clear understanding of what you will/ will not share with your children around the divorce. It is ideal for parents to agree on what information is to be shared. However, if there is no agreement, you can still decide what is developmentally appropriate to share and hold this boundary. Setting clear boundaries helps keep children out of the conflict.

While the research shows that a co-parenting type of model has the best outcomes for children of divorce, this is not always realistic. It is important to understand what you can and cannot control and also model this for your child. Many divorced parents will choose to use parallel parenting as this model may feel safer and more manageable. Navigating conflict post divorce is never easy. But working toward this goal can go a long way to effect your child’s adjustment to the divorce and new family structure.